This past week I got into a contentious argument about the rights of a trans woman in prison with an old friend on facebook. This friend is a social worker, yoga instructor, dance-around-the-drum-circle type Californian (we are similar in many ways). At the end of a long back and forth she declared, “My truth is my truth and no one has the right to tell me I am wrong!” She also said things like, ‘let’s stop judging one another,’ and “Let’s agree to disagree and move on.”
These sound like ideas that we want to agree with. These are the ideas that white, liberal folks--people like myself-- love to profess. We reassure ourselves that by avoiding conflict, by being “nice,” we are acting with values of peace and understanding. We delude ourselves into thinking that accepting the ignorant opinions of others is the type of loving energy the world needs right now. The world does need more kindness and compassion, but let’s not confuse silence as a response to prejudice, with kindness. It is convenient, it is easy, it is not kind.
Almost all of us have been conditioned to think that we are being rude/confrontational/aggressive if we call people out. This is a totally warped perspective that only serves the powerful and privileged. It efficiently and effectively silences resistance to oppression. It serves to maintain the status quo. I have been called mean, overly emotional, and judgmental this past week for standing up for trans rights and respect for women. One woman actually said that I was cruel for simply stating that it was transphobic to refer to a trans woman as a “whatever it is” versus a “she” or “person.” Even though I knew this woman was talking nonsense and that I was acting with integrity, it was still hard to push through being called cruel. This conditioning is powerful!
But who are we being kind to when we let a transphobic comment go unanswered? Certainly not the 1.4+ million trans folks in our country. Who are we being kind to when we let a sexist comment slide? Not billions of women or girls. Who are we being kind to when we let a racist comment fly? Not billions of people of color. So let’s be clear, when we let a bigoted comment go unanswered, even ‘mildly prejudiced’ comments, the only person we are being kind to is the privileged speaker and we are actually being unkind to many, many others. (I could get more philosophical here and argue that in the big picture we aren’t even being kind to the privileged speaker, but that is for another thread.)
Just in one afternoon of perusing facebook I read three white friends make comments like, “I usually don’t engage in conflict on social media but…” Thankfully all three shared stories in which they did choose to stand up, and for that I am grateful. But what is up with progressives’ reluctance to engage in conflict on social media? The election was largely won and lost on social media. This is the new battleground and we all need to step up. You don’t need to waste your time on trolls or people at the Westboro Church level of bigotry, but that old friend of yours, or the friend of the friend, or relative, those are the people we need to be engaging with. You are not being nice by keeping your mouth shut. That is how we ended up in this mess. Silence is compliance.
While I was not able to change my former friend’s mind, I was able to change the mind of someone else who had come out strongly against sexual reassignment surgery in general. It took two days of agonizing debate during which my stomach was tied up in knots and I couldn’t sleep, but he did change his mind! I know what I am asking you to do is not easy, I really, really do; but it is important enough that you (we) need to push through the discomfort and speak up. And if you see someone else pushing through it, back them up! If you don’t have time to get into a debate at least make a strong statement like, “What you said about…is offensive. I strongly disagree with your comment and when I have time I will write more. For now I hope you will think about what you said and how it may impact others.”
It is very possible that you will speak up with a carefully crafted and brilliant response and be rewarded only with negative feedback and vitriol. This can make you feel like giving up or like engaging in these types of interactions is a complete waste of your time. I am here to tell you it is not a waste of your time for two key reasons, 1) You never know who is reading your words and getting buoyed by them. There are millions of minorities that are rightfully feeling persecuted and who need to see they have allies. 2) I have read over and over again that Trump has “emboldened” the extremists, which has led to a dramatic increase in hate crimes. That is what we are fighting against, this new culture where hate is permitted and being politically correct, a.k.a. inclusive, is somehow a bad thing. We need to get used to the idea that the vast majority of our battles will not have a visible, positive outcome, but we are fighting to hold the line and not let our culture putrefy into a pre-Civil Rights state.
It is fitting that as I write this we are celebrating Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. One of my favorite MLK quotes:
"I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in the stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Council-er or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice… (Letter from Birmingham Jail, By Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.)
Don’t be the person that is fooled into thinking the absence of tension is peace; the path to social justice in one that inherently involves tension and discomfort, so roll up your sleeves and embrace it. This is our responsibility. I hope you will join me in speaking up against bigotry wherever you may see it, on social media, at your family reunion, wherever.
We can do this, but it requires us to speak up!
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