The Right To Grieve

It's been eleven days since the Camp Fire started. In that time over 150, 000 acres have burned and at least 77 people have lost their lives, many more are still missing and feared dead. Hundreds of thousands of animals have died; tragically, many of those who managed to survive will die in the months to come, with their habitats destroyed and nothing to eat. The air here in Santa Cruz has been grey and measuring as unhealthy to breathe for over a week, and we are the lucky ones. Sacramento's air quality has topped the charts as the most unhealthy in the world this past week.

A friend of mine in SF helps run a large event for artists and makers that attracts hundreds of people. I briefly spoke with her this weekend while the event was taking place and she talked about how people were acting kinda crazy, more angry and on edge than usual. It got me thinking about the importance of emoting, of grieving, and the harmful limitations we put on ourselves about that.

We are literally breathing in a massive amount of devastation, taking that energy into our bodies. We are breathing in particles of burned homes, burned bodies, burned hopes, burned memories. The heartbreak of Paradise is in our bodies and on our skin. Literally. But because we are a society that is so disconnected from our spiritual selves--our selves that know we are all intrinsically linked to Mother Earth and one another-- we aren’t allowing ourselves to fully grieve that devastation.

This week I have allowed myself an “appropriate” amount of sadness seeing the destruction and what others have lost. I have cried, I have been horrified, I have been scared, but I have stopped myself short from feeling the full depth of my grief. One reason is of course, because grieving is fucking painful, and it's our natural tendency to protect ourselves from that when we can. There's something else stopping me though, it is the voice of the inner critic that says that it is irrational to feel that much pain when I’m not one of the people who have lost their homes and loved ones. The Critic judges my ‘right' to grieve.

I've had this experience numerous times when old friends and acquaintances have passed away. The Critic pipes up and harshly asks, "you weren’t even close with them, who are you to be feeling so heartbroken?" I heard that voice when my husband's friend died this summer, "it's not your place to grieve this Phoebe, it's Julian's loss, your job is to just be there for him." Some of that is true and in alignment with the partner I want to be, his loss was deeper than mine, and it was important to be there for him. But the idea that this is an either/or situation is bullshit and a false limitation I put on myself.

It is as if we believe the right to grieve has to be earned by your proximity to the tragedy. Here we are literally choking on the devastation of the Camp Fire, and we aren’t letting ourselves emote and let it out. It is getting caught in our chests with nowhere to go. I think that is what my friend was noticing; sadness and pain turns toxic when we don't fully acknowledge it and let it move through us.

Of course my grief does not compare to that of the folks who lost everything in the fire, or the firefighters and people who are on the front lines who have witnessed so much loss first hand. Of course not! That's important to acknowledge. We don't need to use that comparison to stop us from feeling our own grief though. Letting ourselves feel our full depth of emotions takes nothing away from that truth.

I have been feeling irritable and agitated all week. I thought it was because I was stuck inside with two sick kids. Yesterday I let myself feel the pain of Mother Earth and the people of Paradise, I let myself really cry, without letting my Critic get in a word edgewise. Now I know I was having that sense of agitation because I needed to let myself emote. Ironically, when we let ourselves fully feel, we are often better able to show up for the people in our lives who are experiencing a greater sense of loss. Today I feel like I have space to look at the news again and be present with this disaster.

I want to live in a world where we are in touch with our hearts, and that means heartbreak too. Let's stop our inner critic from shutting ourselves down from feeling our grief. If you feel sadness, you have a right to feel it. Be mindful of thoughts and statements like, "I feel sad but I know it's minor in comparison to..." that's usually your critic being sneaky, it's a mechanism to stop us from feeling. We can be smarter than our critic by acknowledging that others have lost more and we are also heartbroken.

We are all connected, we are all dependent on Mother Earth, this loss affects us all (to varying degrees, but it does affect us all). Let yourself feel it. Let it move through you.

You are strong enough to feel it all.

You are compassionate enough to feel your own pain and still show up for others.

You have the right to grieve.

I am with you.

xox