Preface:
This is a piece about my unique form of depression and my relationship with it. What is true for me is not necessarily true for others, in fact, it probably isn’t. I have had a great deal of privilege when it comes to my mental health. I was privileged to be in therapy by the time I was seven, by the time I had graduated high school I had had five different therapists and had participated in family therapy, individual therapy, therapy with my mother only, and more individual therapy. When I hit my rock bottom after being suicidal for a year in my early twenties I was privileged to have a mom who cared about my wellbeing and who had the financial resources to send me to a residential program on a ranch in Northern Washington. On the ranch I was privileged to have five months to focus solely on building myself back up again with physical labor, living with nature, intense peer group sessions, shamanic studies, and unwavering personal growth work. I was then privileged to go back to college, study healing modalities, and graduate with a BA in Personal Development and Healing.
The way I strategize about my mental health is a direct reflection of those privileges as well as a marker of the current state of my depression. I have built my toolbox over years of facilitated work and right now my depression is at a level where I can still do something about it. The majority of people who suffer from depression do not have access to the resources I have had. Also, once you fall too far into the pit, there’s no toolbox in the world that can get you out without some form of additional intervention (e.g. medication/facilitated therapies).
People who haven’t experienced it often think that folks with depression should be able to simply pick themselves up, change their mindset, and be happier. They think it is controllable because they are relating it to their own bad moods. It is not a bad mood. Depression stays with you day after day. In fact, to be diagnosed with depression you must be symptomatic for a minimum of two weeks. Depression can be caused by multiple factors: genetics, pregnancy, a physical illness, drug and alcohol use, personality, life experiences, and environmental factors (what is depression). The chemical and hormonal imbalances that come with depression are more accurately described as symptoms, not causes (medical causes of depression). It’s important to understand that last point because when we think of depression as the result of a chemical/hormonal imbalance, we are completely powerless to it; it seems inevitable that we will struggle with it our entire lives.
I am going to pause here and recognize I am walking a fine line that a lot of people, including myself, struggle with. My wish is for some degree of power to be put back into the hands of those prone to depression, for people to feel empowered to change their experience with depression; and at the same time I want to stay completely clear from blaming anyone who is living with depression for not doing enough to prevent it or heal from it. Don’t let the either/or mentality take over here. Mental health is not a black and white issue like that, it is a sea of gray. Stay in the gray with me on this.
Within the umbrella of “depression” you have bipolar disorder, major depression, peripartum depression, seasonal depression, persistent depressive disorder, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and disruptive mood dysregulation disorder. All of these depressions manifest in different ways and each individual will have their unique experience based on their own mind, environment, race, gender, access to resources, etc. etc. According to the American Psychiatric Association, one out of six people and one of three women will face depression in their lifetime.
Symptoms of depression:
Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Loss of energy or increased fatigue
Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)
Feeling worthless or guilty
Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide
It is not a bad mood, but I fear my essay here may reinforce the idea that it can be easily controlled or prevented like a bad mood. I am able to keep myself afloat right now and put up a fight because I have literally been training for it my entire life and because my depression isn’t that bad at the moment. This time I caught it early, this time all the stars are aligned and I am able to use the tools I’ve acquired to ride out the storm. Next time might be different though…and let’s be honest, I could still end up knocked on my ass this time too! But right now I am putting up a damn good fight. (I usually don’t like violent metaphors but with depression it really does feel like a fucking battle that I have to fight.)
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I know this place, I have been here before. This time it was more of a gradual decline, over the past year…with a sudden push in the last few months due to some extremely unlucky health issues, some intensely painful family stuff, concerns my one year old son may have some developmental delays, and a friend’s tragically early death due to cancer. And Trump, I definitely blame Trump for the cloud of darkness and intolerance he has cast over this country. Fuck that asshole. So here I am once again, in the dark place.
This time I’m a parent though, a stay at home mom, and that changes everything. I do not have time to hang out in the dark. I do not have the luxury of falling any deeper into the pit. I need to be functional. My kids need me to be functional.
When I was younger I was subconsciously attached to my depression, clinging to the familiarity of its cold embrace; now I am clear that it has no place in my life. My life is dreamy good, it really is, so when I don’t enjoy my days I feel a heavy sense of remorse that I am completely blowing the chance to be happy. I want to get back to fully feeling the awesomeness that is my life and family, not just knowing it in my head. This beast needs to be slayed.
My Depression Toolbox
These are the concrete actions that have helped me climb out of the pit in the past. I don’t want to do these things at the moment, I don’t want to do anything. It requires immense levels of will power but if I force myself to do these things I will feel better…or at least, keep myself from falling deeper into the pit.
Garden and get outdoors EVERY DAY.
Exercise and push my body physically. Maybe sign up for a run or duathlon?
Socialize even when I don’t wanna. Make sure I hang with friends at least twice a week.
Get dressed every day, take showers and keep up with general hygiene. (It sounds so easy but dude, my sweatpants are sooooo comfy, and my hair doesn’t really need to be brushed to be in a messy bun does it?)
Focus on stopping negative self-talk and replacing it with positive self-talk (ugh, this is hard).
Some kind of spiritual practice that grounds me. It needs to be facilitated at this point, I can’t do it solo.
Use music intentionally. I tend to underestimate the power of music on me but it really is effective in changing my mood; if I’m having an especially bad day the fastest way to feel a bit better is by putting on loud, upbeat music. If there is a chance to see live music, I will force myself to go, knowing that there is very little that makes me happier than dancing to live music.
Have a somewhat clean and organized space around me. I am affected by my environment. A messy house stresses me out.
Not sure how to do this more right now besides having more dance parties with this kids at home. Concerts, Zumba, Ecstatic dance meetups…(?)
Be honest and open with my friends and family about my depression. This meets my need to be seen and understood by loved ones and also helps me do less harm to our relationship.
Say “yes” to friends more than “no.”
Be kind to myself, whatever that means. I’m not good at this because the line between self-kindness and ‘making excuses’ (which results in negative consequences) is often blurry for me, but I have found it helpful even when it is just a vague intention.
Build shit. Working with power tools and creating something with my own two hands is a concrete example of my own power that even in the most depressed state I can’t deny.
Things I need to figure out:
Unlike my depressions in the past, this time it really feels like I need to just ride out the chemical/hormonal imbalances that were triggered by the past couple of rough months versus needing to do the type of personal work I had to do in my twenties. I have dealt with my past traumas, I have dealt with my root level shit, many times over, and am actually happy about who I am and the loving relationships I have in my life. I know I am worthy of love, I know I am loved, I know I am not alone. It took a long time to get there, but I am there. (WOOHOO!!! How many people can say that??) The work I need to do now is primarily just getting through this wave in one piece.
The one outstanding issue that does need focus, which I will admit is a big one, is figuring out what the hell I want to do with my life in terms of a career and contributing in a meaningful way to the world. That is a personal challenge that has been leading me to feel like a failure for a number of years. If you have suggestions, let me know! (Can I just crowdsource this, please? ‘Cause I’m getting nowhere on my own.)
How my partner can help:
I wrote this to put up on the fridge as reminders/requests for my husband. We have had many talks about all of this over the years; I wouldn’t just give this list to him without those conversations. These are requests, they are meant to be helpful to our relationship and supportive, they are not demands or expectations. (Except the house cleaning one, that is a bit of a demand if I’m honest, lol.)
Would you please…
Help me schedule. On Sunday nights go over the coming week’s activities and make sure I have at least two days with 2 hours of alone time. Please go over what needs to happen that week and be the person to make appointments (I get really anxious calling people and would like to limit anxiety-provoking situations when possible).
Help keep the house tidy, without me asking. My environment directly impacts my mood, I need the house cleaner now than I have previously and I can’t do it all myself. Please help.
Take care of yourself. I know dealing with my depression is not easy for you, I know I am asking you to do more than usual. I need you to take care of yourself; I sadly cannot do this for you. If you notice you are grumpy, do something about it (strategize about what fills your cup). I am fighting so hard to stay upbeat and positive; when you are grumpy it makes the battle much, much more difficult. Also, when you are grumpy because I am depressed, I feel like I am being punished and that there is no space for me to have my feelings. Please take responsibility for your mood and well-being.
Plan fun family outings. I am usually the one that plans outings but it is oddly difficult for me right now, making decisions is I need you to make the plans and initiate us getting out of the house (with enthusiasm vs. stress). We need to do at least one fun family thing every weekend.
Be the calm, patient parent for the next few months. Hold boundaries while staying unruffled. This is usually my role but I cannot swing it right now. If you see me getting impatient with the kids, please tag in. Do not be harsh because I was being harsh, that is not supportive. I need you to show them compassion because I am not able to as much as usual and as much as I’d like. When you are short with them because you see me being short with them, that tells me that it is always up to me to be the one that problem solves and empathizes. If our quality of parenting goes down, it’s another message to me that I am not allowed to be depressed.
Give me positive feedback about the work I do. One of the hardest parts of being a stay at home parent is that I have an incredibly demanding job and get zero acknowledgment or positive feedback. When I am depressed it is easy for me to feel like I do nothing. I feel like my day is challenging and completely exhausting and I didn’t even do anything. Logically I know that’s not true, but I would be grateful to hear that from you too. I need help in acknowledging the work I do and in feeling like it is appreciated.
Please know that I am grateful even though I can’t say thank you all the time. If I said thank you every time I saw you stepping up, it would increase the already high amount of guilt I am feeling to an overwhelming level. Plus, I think it would create a dynamic where you are the savior and I am a burden. That’s not good for either of us. Please trust me, I see what you are doing and I am so tremendously grateful.
“I am also”
The last piece of my Depression To Do list is a little project I’ve been thinking about for a while. I’ve noticed that sometimes I’ll be with friends or family who know I’m struggling and I’ll feel some sort of internal pressure to ‘act more depressed.’ Behind this is a fear that if I tell my friends I’m depressed and then they see me acting cheerful they’ll either think, 1) I wasn’t being honest/authentic (which is one of the worst insult you could hurl at me); or 2) that I’ve already somehow ‘gotten over it’ and am fine now. The latter is especially scary to me because I still need support and I know I am not as good of a friend when I am depressed, I’m generally more distant, I ask less questions, and I am unable to be as empathetic as I usually am. I don’t want any of my loved ones to take my behavior personally. So I feel this push to ‘act depressed’ out my own sense of integrity, which is pretty damn twisted! If I can feel joy and laugh in the moment, I want to take advantage of that!
It’s so easy to start identifying with my diagnosis, as if the diagnosis is all that I am. I am not all depression, I am not all darkness. I still have light in me and I am going to consciously harvest that shit whenever I can. So I’m going to start my own little social media project, #Iamalso. It’s to remind myself (and others) that we are more than our labels. I am depressed, but #Iamalso immensely grateful for my life. I am depressed, but #Iamalso a good mom. I am depressed, but #Iamalso able to laugh.
What are you also?
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