Celebration Is A Feminist Issue

5,000 followers and counting!

This morning I went to write a facebook post celebrating that I had gotten over 5,000 followers of my @organicallygrowing Instagram account. This is kinda a big deal for me. I’ve been a stay at home mom for almost seven years now. I love being a SAHM, I fully acknowledge how privileged I am to have that choice; and it can also be a little soul crushing. My identity has become more Mom than Phoebe. I don’t think I know one long term stay at home mom that hasn’t dealt with depression and some form of an identity crisis. We have this incredibly challenging job that is 24/7, it’s isolating as all get out (even if you’re lucky enough to have good mom friends), we receive very little positive feedback about our hard work (if any), there are no markers of accomplishment (oh how I miss the satisfaction of completing a project!), and it’s incredibly hard to get those big life needs of purpose and contribution met.

So I started this instagram account a little over a year ago with three primary goals:

1) To document what I am doing in the garden for my own records and so I can have undeniable proof that I have actually accomplished something.

2) To hopefully contribute to a couple people by making gardening slightly more accessible (I was not aiming high) and to contribute to the environment by sharing permaculture-based principles.

3) To start acknowledging and honoring how much I actually know about gardening to myself (this is excruciatingly difficult for me).

I’ve met all of those goals and discovered two additional bonuses: it has given me a community of gardening friends who I have learned a ton from, and it gives me a place to go full plant-permaculture-geek while giving my friends choice about how much they want to pay attention to (hahaha, but also, TRUE). I never expected to have a following of any sort.

This morning I wanted to celebrate that after posting about the Free Organic Food Stand we started last summer, numerous people contacted me and said they are going to do the same this year, including a school who already sent me pictures of their completed Free Stand and a farm that is going to now switch to a ‘pay what you can’ model. I wanted to celebrate that I have inspired people to start community compost programs, others to dig swales in their yards to slow and sink rainwater, others to plant cover crops to bring life back to their soil, others to ditch their lawns and plant for pollinators, others to grow food, and helped countless people with their gardening questions. I wanted to celebrate that within two weeks of posting about our new permaculture/keyhole inspired raised bed, two people sent me pictures of their copycat beds and thanked me for the design. I wanted to celebrate how this account has connected me with gardeners all over the world; earlier this week I was giving growing advice to a Mother Theresa Fellow in India! I wanted to celebrate that I was recently contacted by a local chef who wants me to grow traditional Thai foods so she can source her ingredients locally. I wanted to celebrate that my deep need to contribute is being met in a way I didn’t think was possible as a stay at home mom, and I am actually starting to see myself as someone who is knowledgeable in this field! This is worthy of celebration!

However, as soon as I started writing the post the self-judgment kicked in.

“5,000 people isn’t that much. It’s social media, it’s not anything important or valuable. People are going to think you are a narcissist egomaniac who needs attention and praise all the time. You could lose half of those people tomorrow, how embarrassed would you be then? This isn’t really because of you, it’s the luck of the algorithm.”

I deleted the post.

Feminist Phoebe wouldn’t let it go though. Sometimes I have to do this little exercise of imagining myself as my friend. How would I respond if someone were to say those things about a friend of mine (or really any other woman in earshot of me)? Oh man, I would unleash a sermon! Of course, I’d use the kindest, most Nonviolent Communication type language I could muster, but I would thoroughly shoot down every one of those belittling and toxic thoughts. I would disagree with the idea that social media doesn’t offer anything of value and would talk about how it has led to literal revolutions and point out that it allows people to be heard that otherwise wouldn’t be. I would talk about how underappreciated women’s work is, that this woman was clearly doing work for free and the least she deserves is to be able to celebrate that. I would say, “Damn straight she needs attention sometimes, everyone does! Can you imagine working your ass off every single day, 24/7, and never getting to hear that you’re doing a good job? People need to be recognized once in a while!” I would talk about the double standard that allows men to center themselves in conversations and toot their own horns ad nauseum for solving the most miniscule problems, while crucifying women who even hint that they are feeling a bit proud of whatever herculean feat they have just accomplished. I would say that while there may be some luck involved with the algorithm and what time of day you post, no one is getting 5,000 followers based on luck; she wouldn’t keep followers and keep growing if it were not for something she was doing. I would say all this and then turn to my friend and ask her, “Now, how do you want to celebrate how awesome you are??” This is what I’d do if I were a friend of mine and it would come easily and without hesitation. It’s terribly depressing how hard it is to do for myself.

This specific celebration of a social media milestone seems especially difficult because of how many issues it brings up. There are issues related to women celebrating their accomplishments, issues about the way capitalism has trained us to associate worth with the amount of money something makes, general issues around women’s voices being belittled and specifically, the ongoing jokes about mommy-bloggers. I just wanted to write a facebook post but with the way my brain works, my little celebration became a microcosm for society’s BS. I want to share some of what came up for me as I think it represents larger problems that deserve attention.

I don’t know how mom’s with blogs became such a joke, but it’s pretty messed up. I have yet to identify myself to anyone as a blogger because I don’t want to deal with the eyeroll/pity/ “well isn’t that nice” responses. It’s as if the moment a woman decides to be a stay at home mom her voice and intellectual prowess are suddenly invalid. When was the last time you thought of a stay at home mom as an intellectual with something to contribute unrelated to parenting and kid’s activities? Is it because she isn’t getting a paycheck? Is it because her days are spent caring for her kids? Is there a belief somewhere in there that if she was really capable and smart, she wouldn’t be a stay at home mom?

My family is what I consider a highly academic family, I’m the only one without a Masters Degree. They are all awesome activists, dedicated to feminist values, and wonderful people, and there is still a dynamic there that speaks to this devaluation of free work and ‘mommy-blogging.’ They are supportive of my Instagram and follow along, but I’m honestly not so sure how much they respect or value it. For example, they have never asked how it is going at the dinner table like they would ask about a job. They don’t bring it up. Even if I had a low-paying meaningless job I didn’t like, they would ask me about it. I wonder how different it would be if I were to write a book about gardening instead of Instagram posts? Even if it were to only sell 50 copies and have the same exact information in it that I post about, I have the feeling it would earn me more respect than my Instagram account that regularly reaches thousands of people. Why is that?

I don’t think this is a problem with my family, I think they just represent a bigger issue. I wonder how differently my work on IG would be seen if I was earning a salary from it? I am guessing a paycheck would instantly legitimize what I have been doing. How much is the worth of my work being judged within the unconscious framework of capitalism we’ve all absorbed? This is something worth noticing. I don’t want capitalism or academia (which is not accessible to all) to decide the worth of anyone’s work.

Then there’s fucking comparison mind and scarcity paradigm; I swear these are two of the greatest plagues of humankind. I have some incredibly talented friends in my life who are trying to get an Instagram following for their businesses and for whatever reason, they aren’t getting the numbers they want and deserve. I feel like I can’t bring up my celebration without them feeling bad. I get it, I have totally been there and still end up there all the time. I recently watched a friend get a business idea, throw it out there, and instantly become successful. Having had dozens of different business ideas over the years and making a couple very feeble and unsuccessful attempts, it was triggering to see how seemingly easy it was for her. (Of course, it wasn't actually easy for her, she is a fucking rockstar that pushed past her fears and went for it, and then worked hard to acquire the skills she needed to make it work, but that is besides the point here.) Her success brought up my failure. This is painful and completely understandable! We have been trained to think this way. Yes, trained. Especially women. The patriarchy in charge wants us to compare and compete and live in this scarcity paradigm. This is the very lifeblood of capitalism and there are a lot of people in power who are invested in maintaining it. Comparison also keeps us mad at each other versus mad at the systems that are actually the problem.

In the past year I have taken this work on in a more dedicated, focused way. I don’t let myself stay in that place of comparison and scarcity; I know this is a fight worth fighting and I am committed to being able to celebrate my friend’s accomplishments without feeling shitty about myself. We limit our friendships when we get stuck there. We limit the power of US when we let our responses come from that place of scarcity. We can all be successful, we can all have our needs met, there is enough for all of us if we can just get out of the oppressive systems that hold so many of us down (capitalism, patriarchy, racism, heteronormativity, etc.) and support one another. So how do we work outside of this? When comparison and scarcity comes up for you, I encourage you to put your attention on the systems at play, not the individuals. With social media, I turn my attention towards racist algorithms, how women’s work is undervalued, that to make money on these platforms you usually have to spend money and/or a ton of time (which is not accessible to many) and to the simple fact that “deserving” doesn’t equate to anything in our society. You deserve to have your needs met, everyone does, and it’s really shitty that some people get their needs met and some don’t. It is not fair. It is not just. Be mad at the systems not the person and refuse to compare with all your might.

Another issue that has come up with this specific celebration is that I have had several friends reflect back to me that it is “crazy” how many followers I have gotten and I must be lucky. I don’t want those friends to feel bad reading this, I have said the same thing. We put ourselves and other women down in slight ways like this all the time. I’ve seen so many moms brush off compliments by saying things like, ‘yeah, I don’t know how that happened…” as if it is has nothing to do with the work she has put into it and the choices she has made. We are so uncomfortable owning our success! Saying a simple “thank you” in response to a compliment can be so difficult! But we’ve gotta do it, for ourselves and for one another.

When I hear someone attribute my success to the algorithm and luck, it feels like the work I have done to take nice pictures, edit them, choose topics that connect with people, write engaging captions, and summarize complex garden topics into small, easy to digest nuggets of information, is irrelevant. It’s like my part in all of this is invisible. I do actually put time and effort into my Instagram account. I want to get more people in the garden for their health and the health of our planet, this is important to me and I work on it. It’s not luck. I am confident that none of the friends that have said this want me to feel invisible, I know they are my biggest supporters and that this is simply a matter of habit. We habitually undervalue our work and squirm away from the discomfort of standing tall in the spotlight of success. We do this even though we want so desperately for our friends and other women to have that freedom.

Women have been taught since birth that we shouldn't seek attention in any form (and actually attention can often be dangerous for us, which makes things even more complicated), we shouldn't mention our accomplishments lest we look like we are bragging or elevating ourselves over others, we shouldn't seem “needy” in any way… we are told all these things are undesirable traits that will make us less loveable. I have come to the conclusion that this is one of the most powerful ways misogyny has affected me personally, it has left me terrified of what people will think of me if I celebrate my accomplishments and competencies or ask for recognition in any way. We have been taught that being self-effacing and endlessly sacrificing of our needs is more loveable and honorable than asking for what we need. This is one reason men get raises and promotions and the more qualified woman gets passed by (though it’s mostly just straight up sexism). We’ve got to push ourselves to own our accomplishments--no matter how big or small they are--and be the woman that says, “yes, actually what I did is pretty great.” That woman opens the door for others to do the same.

If you are male and reading this, get into the habit of acknowledging and recognizing the work of the women and girls in your life. Every. Single. Day. Out loud. Be specific. “Honey, thanks for doing all you do” is not specific enough. If you want the women in your life to feel seen and valued, speak to the specific things they have done and how it has helped you or made you feel. Remember that compliments about things women and girls have no control over are gross. For example, "you have nice legs" is gross. Don't be gross. Stay away from image stuff in general (it's too easy of a fallback and too often gross and reinforcing that our worth is tied up with our appearance). Recognizing things that she has choice over and what she has done is always better, "you put a lot of energy and effort into cleaning the house today, thank you. It feels really good in here, it's easier for me to relax now. Thanks!" Ask yourself every night, ‘what woman or girl have I recognized today? Did my kids hear it? Did my partner hear it? Did my coworkers hear it? Did my bosses hear it?’ Of course women need to do this too, lesbian partners need to do this with one another, moms need to do this with their daughters, we all need to step up in recognizing the contributions of women and girls; but especially men because y’all got the privilege and power in this situation. If you want to be able to claim yourself as a feminist, you need to be recognizing and appreciating the women in your life in concrete, undeniable ways every day.

All of this came from the desire to post a tiny celebration on facebook. See what I mean? It brings up a lot of other issues! But I’m not pressing delete this time. I want to celebrate with you that I’ve reached 5,000 followers and am getting my needs for contribution and achievement met! I’ve put work into this little Instagram project and I am proud of what I’ve done. YAY!!!

I want to celebrate what you have been doing too! Let’s see each other, honor one another’s work regardless of whether it earns money, and celebrate!!!