If you haven't read Part I and Part II this post might not make a whole lot of sense. I've been writing about this saga for the past few weeks. It started with my ceramics teacher's misogynistic way of speaking to me and has continued as I've tried to process what to say and/or do in response. Last week I was totally prepared to speak up and take class time to address the situation, but then he didn't show up. So the story continued to this week and to another choice-point.
Well, I had a terrible time trying to figure out what my next step would be. On one hand I felt like two weeks later was too far removed from the situation to take public space to address it. We also had a big week on the family front, hearing that we didn't get my daughter into the school we wanted and thus moving on to Plan B, to live abroad for 5 months. That has pushed out most other thoughts from my brain. So forcing myself to say something in front of the class felt...forced, not authentic. On the other hand, I felt pressure to say something for the rest of the women in the class and because I really do think there is a war on women in this country that most people, even women, are tragically oblivious of. At least three women in the class have had this type of experience with this teacher, I can not imagine a man in a similar situation. That is really fucked up and needs to be addressed.
So I decided to play it by ear. I edited my 'speech' to be a condensed letter and took both printouts with me to class, ready to either speak or give him the letter depending on what the vibe was like in class and what felt kind and best for myself. Long story short: I gave him the letter.
The feeling in the class that night, the last for many of the students there, was jovial and celebratory. The teacher was his usual charming self talking about a recent pottery conference he had gone to and how excited he gets by seeing all the new techniques other artists are using, he was giddy and adorable. We had had an amazingly beautiful day in Santa Cruz that Tuesday and the whole class was sitting in this last-day glow of warmth and gratitude. To have given my speech then would have completely changed the mood of everyone there, that didn't feel right to me. I still feel really mixed about it though. It was very clearly the right thing to do in the moment, I have no doubt about that, but giving him the letter didn't meet all the needs that speaking it would have.
Even giving him the letter was extremely challenging for me. One of the most difficult aspects about calling out misogyny is that it is so ingrained in our culture that it's not just 'bad guys' that pull this kind of shit. It comes out of the mouths of people (women too) that are charming, friendly, important to us, people who we trust and love and appreciate. The balance of figuring out how to say, "hey, that was really messed up and what you said/did is playing into the oppression of women" without completely blowing up the relationship is hard!
I waited the entire class period for my promised apology, thinking that would be my moment to give him the letter. It didn't come. He avoided me, with some fairly impressive determination. He knew he had been in the wrong. So at the end of the class, when people were giving him hugs and thanking him so much for the class, etc. etc., I stood silently and waited my turn. When I got to him he cheerfully asked if I was going to continue, I said yes, and he told me he was glad. Smiles, friendliness, warmth.
The programming that women are being a pain in the ass or bitchy when we speak up is so strong that I had to summon some serious inner courage to say, "I really am not okay with the way you spoke to me in the last class. That was unacceptable..."
He interrupted, "Yes, I'm sorry, I can be a bit harsh sometimes. Sorry about that."
"Yeah, that was messed up. I wrote a letter to you about it and I hope you will read it with an open mind." I had to consciously force myself not to excuse his behavior by saying, "it's ok" or "I understand" or even by giving him an understanding smile. I went home knowing that he would read it and it would probably ruin his night. I had to fight off the guilt for that.
Do you see how every step of this situation is colored by misogyny and sexism? Every. Single. Step. The misogyny and sexism of my teacher but perhaps more importantly, what I have internalized living in this country with a culture that pushes girls and women down from the day they are born. From the self-doubt that came from the incident itself-- maybe I was being overly sensitive, maybe I was making it up, maybe I had been unintentionally disrespectful...to the self-loathing that came from being a human being with feelings who cries...to not wanting to speak because I didn't want to be a Debbie-downer and alienate myself from my classmates...to fighting off guilt for giving him a letter and triggering discomfort in him. All of that was colored by growing up in a misogynistic culture.
We have a tremendous challenge in working towards a more equitable society. It begins with you an me. In our homes, in our classrooms, in our workplaces, everywhere. The first step is naming it and calling it out wherever we see it. If the moment passes and you miss the opportunity, don't beat yourself up, but do say something. Better late than never. As you can see, I'm still struggling with it but as with anything else, it gets easier with practice. I hope you'll join me in the struggle.
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